I’ve been a smoker for 40 years. I cut down drastically during my two
pregnancies and for about a year after each one but didn’t manage to quit. When my kids were a little older, I tried
quitting cold turkey. It was a totally
scary experience for me, but especially for my kids when their calm, peaceful
Mommy suddenly became a blue eyed monster with a talent for terrible temper
tantrums, creative cussing and a propensity to throw and break things. Thankfully, throwing the kids never crossed
my mind!
This time around, as part of my journey to health, I’m using
Chantix to help me quit. Another reason
to be grateful that I’m now receiving state medical assistance! Chantix does seem to be keeping the monster
away – hooray!
I’m on day six of being a non-smoker. It was surprisingly easy for the first four days and super difficult for the past two as I deal with the deep, deep grief of learning of the tragic death of one of my son's best friends.
Chantix doesn't magically take away the temptation, but it does make the temptation easier to deal with - until now. I think I was taking the easy part for granted, because the last two days have been hard.
Chantix doesn't magically take away the temptation, but it does make the temptation easier to deal with - until now. I think I was taking the easy part for granted, because the last two days have been hard.
Until now, staying busy has
helped. Spending less time online has
helped. Sucking on a sugar free hard
candy has helped when the urge to smoke has been stronger.
But not today! The definition of ‘stronger’ urges is being
redefined. I don’t want to distract
myself! I don’t want to keep busy! I don’t want to stay away from the
computer! I don’t want to suck on a hard
candy! I WANT A CIGARETTE!! I want to grieve, cry, rage at the universe - and smoke!
I don’t want to pace the floors, restlessly acting as though
I’m lost. I don’t want to keep reaching for
that non-existent pack of cigarettes. I
also don’t want that stale smoke smell.
Or the ashes. Or the cigarette
butts. I’m tired of being the only
smoker at meetings, conferences, gatherings.
And I’m tired of wasting money that I can’t afford to waste. Smoking is never healthy, but as I get older,
the implications for my health worsen.
And forgive my ego, but I don’t want to have those ‘smoker wrinkles’
around my lips and mouth either.
Seriously.
It looks like the second list of ‘I don’ts’ is longer than the first, lol. I confess to giving in and smoking two cigarettes yesterday. Those cigarettes were my breaks from crying while I struggled to get a handle on my grief.
But I'm also determined to forgive myself and continue the journey towards becoming a non-smoker. I did resist the temptation to run out and buy a pack! Hard rock candy, here I come. Cinnamon, butterscotch, mint – take your pick!
And maybe I’ll stop for a good visualization too; imagining
myself as a non-smoker. Playing through
how good it will feel to be a non-smoker; how wonderful it would be to have
some money in my wallet. I’d been wondering how I would be able to
replace my clothing as I lose weight…and that extra money in my wallet will go
far towards solving that dilemma!
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| Checking out this poster and other materials available at http://stopsmokingaidstoday.com just might provide some needed encouragement. |
A call out to my support system will help too! Just hearing someone say ‘I know you can do
it!’ or ‘I have faith in you!’ or ‘You’re doing great – keep it up!’ I love how supportive everyone is, both
online and off. Not the judgment that I
thought I might get, but pure and simple, unadulterated support. And it’s wonderful.
As I pop a cinnamon hard candy into my mouth, I know, I just know, that there will be a day seven…One moment, one hour, one day at a time. One day at a time.
